I guess there’s a lot of reasons… so many in fact that when I’m questioned I can never give a straight, precise answer. Each time I feel my reasoning change. It would be so much easier if I were allowed to sum it up with a simple “because,” but this world is never that black and white. I guess there’s a thousand reasons. I’m always going to want to answer the phone, but in retrospect I feel I’ve grown up enough now to understand why I shouldn’t. (Even if I’m not always strong enough to follow my own advice.)
We’ve never truly existed in a space that wasn’t completely consumed by one raw and overwhelming feeling or another. Unfortunately, if we’re going to be honest, each of these emotions fell on the negative side of the spectrum. Anger. Sadness. Fear. Jealousy. Betrayal. Confusion. Desperation. Pain. That’s what we were. That’s what we caused. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t that way, tracing all the way back to the very beginning… of our first time around. Perhaps it was a two way street. There are moments in those years I’m not very proud of, and since that realization I’ve been trying to repair the broken road. I’m not always entirely sure why. Is it because I want everything to get better? Of course. But is it also because I want to get rid of the guilt I carry due to my share of the disaster? I wouldn’t doubt that has something to do with it. A majority of people don’t like to be wrong. I am no exception. The paper thin walls of that 25th apartment saw a version of me that I find hard to stomach some days. Sometimes I’ve convinced myself that if we’re “okay,” then I wasn’t a monster. But the truth is, everything that happened… that’s who we were, and not a phone call in the world can fix it.
So why not answer? It’s because of that space we find ourselves in. That angry, dark, horrid space. It’s a black hole of negativity. We’ve never been friends. We’ve never known our worlds to collide without a whole mess of disaster, stress, and dramatics. We come together like matches and gasoline ready to burn the whole world to the ground. In all this time if that’s all it’s ever been, I fear that it can never be any different. Despite my overwhelming desire to pick up the phone… to tell you about a song I’ve heard that no one could possibly understand as well as you… to tell you I’ve been rewatching Grey’s and it’s uncomfortable to do alone… to laugh about your old regulars that are now mine… despite my overwhelming desire to pick up the phone, I can’t. I won’t. I refuse. I fought with you when you came home hoping it would drive you away. It’s so much easier not to answer if the call never comes through. This year has been a lot of things, but the one thing I’m most proud of is the giant step I took forward. Something shifted, and suddenly I understood. I want to keep moving that way… on this path I’m proud of and excited for. If I answer the phone… I just get stuck back in that snow globe we lived in with all the negativity that comes with it. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to. I’m choosing happiness this time. I’m choosing a space where I can be optimistic and positive even on a rainy day. I don’t even remember having that with you in the sun. I doubt you’ll ever read this, but if you do… I hope you understand.
And you don’t want to be here in the future
So you say the present’s just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don’t want to look much closer
So afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had
And it did
Because of me
-Konstantine -Something Corporate
Did you know I miss you
I’ll always miss you…